


Recovery In Changes

by Anonymous



Category: Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, No Bashing, Pining, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:29:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: In a quiet bar, Steve insists that they reform the team after Tony wakes up from his coma and Tony -Tony has a moment before a new change.





	Recovery In Changes

The words were out before Tony could try to deflect him with something else. He knew Steve would ask this. This was their constant, through everything and every time, whenever the dust settled for another storm to change them. It was led to anger, grief, regret, defiance, and this fractured attempt; a new beginning, some would call it, and Tony wondered if ‘new’ had lost its meaning with how they had abused it. 

It always came to one of them begging, coaxing, manipulating the other to fix what was probably shards. 

“We need to,” Steve insisted and Thor looked at Tony from behind Steve, the beer mug staining the table and his eyes serious as he stood by what was being proposed. Of course, he did. Thor had seen much, been through much, had borne wounds that reopened every other decade. But he hadn’t been them - he hadn’t been the dagger that ruined backs they were supposed to watch. He had hope for the future of a past. Tony didn’t want that anymore.

He loved Steve. It was a truth now, a fact for as long as his memory served, and as complicated as his own existence. He loved Steve through the worst, when he probably shouldn’t have, and made Steve hate him when it got too strong. Too tempestuous. 

_ I shook his hand, and tore my heart in sunder, And went with half my life about my ways,  _ Tony remembered from Housman’s words, not thinking about the previous lines that would dig in deeper. 

There was no doubt in his mind that Steve was worth much and more, a good life and friends. But Tony had lived a life, loved and lost and lied for himself in the pretext of others, and had tried - to be someone Steve could like. It was his own dream, his own twisted fantasy, he knew, of wanting to morph without context. He had placed and brought down Steve through different pedestals in life, and as much as he wouldn’t change those memories now, he knew more than he knew the first time he did something for Steve rather than with him. It was Tony’s mess and he wouldn’t deny it, but he knew all about addiction and there were rules to it. 

He had learnt it with alcohol. 

He had to follow them with Steve too. 

Tony thought back to every world he had seen. Every loss. Every compromise. And it all boiled down to this moment, where he needed to learn, needed to try. 

He took a breath, one last moment of strength. 

“I refuse,” Tony looked Steve directly in the eye and didn’t clasp his outstretched hand, “I refuse to join again.”

Steve’s determination faltered visibly and Tony shot him one last sad smile before he turned around. 

There was no love between an addict and his addiction. There was only abstinence, and Tony had earned his time to begin that. 

He walked away and let himself have a new beginning. 


End file.
